So long...

I have not visited this blog for a long time because a lot has happened in my life in the last few months to keep me busy.

I got pregnant in September and was looking forward to having my 5th baby in June 2013.

My mum came for hajj and I was able to see her again after 5 years. It was such a happy reunion maa sha Allah. We went to meet her in madina 3 days after she arrived and she was so excited to see all of us especially my last 2 kids that she had not seen after they were born.

I made hajj for the second time with my hb. A kind friend (may Allah reward her and bless her loads) offered to help look after my kids and she actually moved into my house just to make them comfy. So during hajj I spent most of the time with my mum and really enjoyed her company.

2 and a half weeks after returning from hajj, I went in for my first scan at 10 weeks 2 days but was told there was no heartbeat which means baby was not ok. I was sent to the big hospital for further tests and it was confirmed that the baby was dead 2 days after. I spent the next few days getting one test or the other and was able to get a d and c done exactly 1 week ago. I had to wait for 12 days after the first scan before the d n c and it was such a traumatic period for me knowing I was walking around with a dead baby in me. I however was able to hold it all together and not lose my mind before the time, with the help of Allah.

A friend who has had a number of d and cs assured me it was a simple procedure and I would be discharged few hours after the operation. I went in Saturday nite to be admitted as my doctor said it will be done Sunday Morning. I was calm before I got to the hospital but as soon as I got there I was overcome with intense fear, like I was going to die or something. It was so bad that I was having pain in my chest subhanallah!. When I got to the room in the antenatal ward and the nurse showed me my bed, I burst into tears when I remember being on this type of bed 3 and a half years ago to have AZ. I think the fact that I had been walking around the house all this while holding my emotions and putting up an act because I did not want the kids to see me distraught and miserable, made my hb overestimate my strength so he was shocked to see me crying there by the bedside. In fact, he was scared. He asked me if the nurses told me something that was making me cry. Like has the situation worsened and they need to cut through my tummy to remove the dead baby? I said no, they ddnt tell me anything new. I just was reminded of how I used to go to the hospital to have a baby and now I was getting admitted to have a dead baby removed from my body...

I put myself together again and waited for hb to leave before crying myself to sleep. I slept for like 2 hours and then couldn't sleep anymore so I  decided to just read the books my dear friend packed for me before leaving the house to keep me busy. As morning drew near, my fear increased and I was wondering if I would never see my kids again. At this point, I started praying for forgiveness and that Allah should Protect and take care of my kids if I were to pass on. I was calm after that till I was taken to the theatre. I must have looked so frightened that one of the nurses came to tell me not to be scared and that I would be fine. The woman who gave me the anesthesia told me to say bismillah...

I woke up 30 minutes later to the cries of babies who have just been delivered via cs. It took me some minutes to be fully awake and aware of my surrounding. I was thankful, very thankful that I just kept saying alhamdulillah. I was returned to the ward and was thinking I will go home in a few hours as my friend told me. She also told me I may spot for 3 to 4 days after the d and c when I get home. Well, to my surprise, I was bleeding heavily that I had to call the nurses to come have a look. I was told to keep lying down on the bed and that the bleeding will cease. I was kept in the hospital till the next day to be observed. It did eventually lighten up and I was discharged in the afternoon the next day. The doctor told me to expect to bleed like my period and that my regular period was to return in like 4 weeks. I had normal bleeding like a period for 6 days that was reducing in intensity and it stopped yesterday. I was relieved to have it all over and done with. But I was wrong. I woke up this morning to see a lot of bright red blood and I was scared to the bone. I was at a lost as to what to do. I just laid in bed for hours. I did not pray fajr even though I had been praying all this while just to be safe. I made a search online to see if it was normal because I so feared going back to the hospital. I got mixed responses and just decided to wait it out and see what tomorrow will bring. As I type this, the bleeding has reduced to only spotting again so I am hoping it will be ok insha Allah .