In polygyny, at least one person would be miserable

I just got off the phone calling my parents and siblings at home to wish them eid mubarak because I could not do it yesterday. So I called my mum first and she was very happy to hear from me and she told me she had a really nice and memorable eid, maa sha Allah. At home with her is my sister, her(my mum's) first child along with her husband and their children, They drove for 3 hours from their town to be able to visit her and celebrate eid with her. She also told me that my uncle and his new wife (he was divorced) was with her. Then she had my other neices and nephew who also went to celebrate with her on eid day and returned to their house in the evening since they live in the same town. So, maa sha Allah, she had so many loved ones around her and I did not ask about my dad, because I did not want to throw her in a bad mood because each eid day that I call and he was not there to celebrate with her, because he was with his other wife, she sounds so sad and depressed and complains (a little too much) about his absence. I just assumed she was okay this eid because she had so many loved ones around her that she did not miss her husband, my dad.

After her, I called my sisters, my brother and some friends, then I called my dad, a number of times. He did not pick his phone. I waited for some minutes and called again but he did not pick. I normally call him every eid day to say eid mubarak and have him make du'a for me and my kids. Since he did not pick my calls, I decided to call his wife with whom he lives in another town, to ask of him. After greeting her and asking about my step brothers and sisters, I told her I had been calling my Dad's phone for some time and he did not anwer, that can she please give him the phone? She was like no, he is not with her, he is with my mom, and he had been there since yesterday. So she had eid alone with her children. I said okay, I did not know, I thought he was with her because when I called my mum she did not tell me he was around. We had a brief talk about her children and their schooling and I hung up, feeling really sorry for her. I mean, on eid day every one wants to celebrate with their loved ones, and most women would want to be with their husband and they would want the kids, the dad everyone to eat together, as a family, but there she was, alone with her kids. Her husband was with his first wife, in another town.

So, basically, its either my dad spends eid with her, and my mom will be miserable and calling all her children to complain about it, (which I find annoying sometimes, because I think she needs to stop acting like they just got married when they have been married for 44 years.) or she goes down to celebrate with my mum and leave his second wife and her children to have eid by themselves. So whichever way, someone has got to be alone.

I know not all polygynous situations are like this as some men make their wives live together in the same house ( and I personally DO NOT like this) so that they don't have to go from one house to another, but it is not feasible in my parent's situation beause my dad was working in one town and my mum in another, and when they used to be together in the family house in my hometown for a few days for eid, they used to spend half the time quarreling about one thing or the other. So my dad had his second wife and their children living with him and goes to visit my mum every other week. Maybe if they were in the same town, it would be a little easier, then he can spend half the day in one house and the remaining half at the other. My dad is retired now, but it would still be very difficult to be equal in how he spends time with his wives, because of the distance, which is like an hour and my dad is getting close to seventy.

So I ended up feeling sorry for his second wife today and maybe the next eid, it would be my mom's turn to be alone.

And oh, I eventually got my dad on the phone, and I told him I had called his second wife when he did not pick his phone as I did not know he was with my mom when I called her earlier. He was quick to tell me that he was there with my mom, and I could tell that he was hoping I would be impressed by that...

Eid mubarak!

Eid cake for my friends cute little girl, Zainab.
Zainab's cake in the cake holder.
I made this for my Egyptian neighbour
This was for my children

For maryam, My friend 8 year old baby who completed the fast without complaining, maa sha Allah.
All the cakes in one place before distibution.

and we all had a nice eid. Alhamdulillah!

...of wishes and horses and beggars...

81 ways on how to treat your wife in Islam!

The wife’s rights (with regard to their husbands) are equal to the (husband’s) rights with regard to them, although men are a degree above them; and Allah is Almighty, Wise. [Quran 2:28]

“Consort with them graciously. If you dislike them, it may be that you dislike something in which Allah has placed much good. (4:20)“

In today’s life of hustle and bustle, the family unit is becoming fragile by the day. Divorces are on the rise, and Muslims can no longer claim, as justifiably as before, that divorce is rare among Muslims or even much less than incidents of divorce among non-Muslims.

Let’s take on the men, here’s how you can keep up your wife’s love:

1. Make her feel secure, don’t threaten her with divorce.
2. Give sincere Salaams.
3. Treat her gently, like a fragile vessel.
4. Advise in private, at the best time, in the best way and atmosphere.
5. Be generous with her.
6. Warm the seat for her, you will warm her heart.
7. Avoid anger, be in Wudhu at all times.
8. Look good and smell great for your wife.
9. Don’t be rigid or harsh-hearted or you will be broken.
10. Be a good listener.
11. Yes for flattery. No for arguing.
12. Call your wife with the best names, cute nicknames, names she loves to hear.
13. A pleasant surprise.
14. Preserve and guard the tongue.
15. Expect, accept, and overlook her shortcomings.
16. Give sincere compliments.
17. Encourage her to keep good relations with her family.
18. Speak of the topic of her interest.
19. Express to her relatives, how wonderful she is.
20. Give each other gifts.
21. Get rid of routine, surprise her.
22. Have a good opinion of each other.
23. Have good manners, overlook small things, don’t nitpick.
24. Add a drop of patience, increase during pregnancy, menses.
25. Expect and respect her jealously.
26. If you have more than one wife, be just and equal
27. Sacrifice your happiness for hers.
28. Help at home, with housework.
29. Help her love your relatives, but don’t try to force her.
30. Let her know that she is the ideal wife for you.
31. Remember your wife in Du’a.
32. Leave the past for Allah, don’t dwell on, dig into, or bring it up.
33. Don’t act as if you are doing her a favor by working or providing, Allah is the Provider, the husband is the carrier of the sustenance to the family.
34. Take Shaitan as your enemy, not your wife.
35. Put food in your wife’s mouth.
36. Treat your wife like she is the most precious pearl that you want to protect.
37. Show her your smile.
38. Don’t ignore the small things, deal with them before they be come big.
39. Avoid being harsh-hearted.
40. Respect and show that you appreciate her thinking.
41. Help her to find and build her inner strengths and skills.
42. Respect that she might not be in mood for intimacy, stay within Halaal boundaries.
43. Help her take care of the children.
44. Give her gifts with your tongue, be an artist with your compliments.
45. Sit down and eat meals together.
46. Let her know that you will be traveling or returning from travel, give her sufficient notice.
47. Don’t leave home in anger.
48. Maintain the secrecy and privacy of the home.
49. Encourage each other in worship.
50. Respect and fulfill her rights upon you.
51. Live with her in kindness, goodness, fairness in good and bad times.
52. Kiss your wife, foreplay, don’t jump on her like a bull.
53. Keep disputes between the two of you, don’t take it outside.
54. Show care for her health and well-being.
55. Remember you are not always right or perfect yourself.
56. Share your happiness and sadness with her.
57. Have mercy for her weaknesses.
58. Be a firm support for her to lean on.
59. Accept her as is, she is a package deal.
60. Have a good intention for her.
61. Cook a dish for her.
62. Designate a nice, clean, spacious area in your home for the two of you to pray at night whenever you can.
63. Women love flowers. Make a trail of them on the floor leading to the gift you made for her.
64. Give her a nice massage when she least expects it.
65. Send your wife a text message out of the blue with a message of love.
66. Send your wife an email without a reason.
67. Go out on a date or a get-away for the weekend in a nice location, preferably without kids.
68. Do something for your wife’s family, whether it is a gift, or a chat with her teen brother who needs mentoring, or whatever. It will get you lots of brownie points.
69. Do not keep reminding and demanding your rights all the time.
70. Shop groceries for her and call her from the store and ask her what she needs for the home, for herself or for her to give to people as gifts.
71. Ask her if she would like to invite her female friends over for ladies only get together and arrange for the dinner.
72. Ask her to send gifts to her parents and siblings.
73. Help her parents pay off debt. Send her poor relatives some money.
74. Write love notes or poems and place them in the book she’s been reading.
75. If she tells you something she had just learned from the Qur’an or Hadith, do not dismiss her or ridicule her effort, instead listen to her and take her word.
76. Plant her a kitchen garden with all kind of herbs she needs for cooking.
78. Update her PC or laptop with a new one or get her a new mobile phone.
79. Learn to do a special massage technique and surprise her with your new expertise.
80. Teach your children to respect and honor their mother.
81. Be humorous with her when she makes a mistake in the kitchen (like when she put too much salt or burnt her baking).

"OH ALLAH , Make useful for me what You taught me and teach me knowledge that will be useful to me" amen

by Fawad J Kiyani

Ok, I saw this nice write up and it made me laugh because most muslim men would not even bother to do half of the things on this list. I wish I can say this is how most muslim men treat their wives, but then, if wishes were horses, beggars would ride...

After the Fast...

I made it through the rest of the month without my mystery sickness and did worry so much about it anymore. I just decided it might be low blood sugar as a result of fasting and as long as eating eggs before commencing the fast fixed it, I thought I should just let it go, thinking it will be a thing of the past after the month.

I was wrong! Few weeks after the month of ramadaan, I notice that for some days, whenever I skip breakfast and even if I eat lunch as early as 12.p.m, I get tired like I used to in the month of ramadaan. I still thought it may be blood sugar problems as carbohydrate is always a major part in my meals. I went to the doctor and did all the blood sugar tests. I was so scared and worried for the 2 days I had to wait to get the result. It came out negative, alhamdulillah. The doctor said I did not have diabetes. I was relieved about that news, but was still worried about what ails me, that could not be diagnosed. I even convinced myself there must be a mistake somewhere; maybe they did not get the result right. I decided to start eating like someone who has diabetes, limited carbs, more protein, no more juice, etc as much as I could. I checked out a list of foods allowed for diabetics and shopped for the ones I know I will enjoy and started eating that, hoping for relief...

Well, I did not have any noticeable improvement. Some days, I was okay after eating and some days, I still get dog tired. I started getting depressed. I no longer look forward to mealtimes. And I used to be someone who loves food so much. I read on health forums and other random sites that the solution is to eat more!. To eat 5-7 small meals a day, to never be hungry. Who has time to prepare and eat 5-7 meals a day, especially as a mum of 4 young ones and the fact that I go to tahfeez school in the morning and homeschool my kids in the afternoon. It is easy to forget to eat except at meal times when everyone is eating. Anyways, I went back to my doctor and asked her to tell me what else could be making me tired after eating if I was not diabetic. I explained to her that I sometimes have the symptoms if I had not eaten for some hours too, even though when it stated, it was just after eating. That very day, I went in the morning right after leaving the tahfeez school. Just as the nurse called me in to the doctor's office, I started feeling tired again. So, the doctor asked the nurse to test my blood glucose again, the one they check by getting a drop of blood from the thumb after pricking it with a needle. The result was fine. so she said the nurse should check my BP, and there, I got the answer to what has been making my life uncomfortable for months. My Blood pressure was not normal, not high, but Low!. ya Rabb!. The tiredness was as a result of a sudden drop in blood pressure. I was scared, quickly asking the doctor so many questions about the seriousness of someone's blood pressure being low. She assured me that it is ok, she said it is not a disease, just a condition(yea right). It does not reqiure medication, just some lifestyle changes and healthy eating and living. She told me some things to do like eating salted crackers, salted peanuts, drinking salty water and generally adding more salt to whatever I eat. She also told me to lie down for a few seconds with some pillows under my feet so that more blood can flow to my head.

I was thankful to Allah for being able to find out what was wrong with me, and to know its not as bad as I had feared. I know that low BP could be dangerous too, especially if it falls too low, but the fact that I had feared the worse made the news more acceptable to me. Most of my friends have high BP and have to take meds daily. So being told I do not have dibetes or high BP or even some form of cancer but just low BP was a welcome relief to me. Sometimes, I still feel guilty that I must have brought it on myself by my yoyo dieting and most of the time, not eating well, because I was concerned about my weight. Another reason I suspect I got to have low blood pressure is because I was busy trying to be smart by half. I am very much into holistic medicine and being surrounded by loved ones who have high blood pressure including my mum, I felt the need to take measures to prevent myself from developing the disease. So I used to drink Apple cider vinegar which is known for its amazing ability to lower BP., even though it has a number of other health benefits. I did not stop there, I was adding less salt to my cooking and also stopped using food additives that has MSG, especially maggi cubes among other things. I was practically living like someone who has been diagnosed of high BP already. This is a big lesson to me and others. Even though prevention is said to be better than cure, one still needs to err on the side of caution so as not to invite one ailment while trying so hard to prevent another.

I have been mostly okay after I started following the doctor's instruction and I am indeed Thankful to Allah for everything and pray that I am not tested with that which I cannot bear.

What is in an egg?

It started a year ago, last ramadaan, when I came up with this great (not) idea of going on a reduced calorie diet during the month of ramadaan to be able to lose some weight. So I thought, since it is not compulsory to eat the suhoor (the pre-dawn meal) before commencing the fast, I will just wake up, give my kids and their dad something to eat and have a drink of water for suhoor. I figured if I don't get any calories during suhoor and then I make sure that at iftar I don't eat much, there is no way I would not shed some pounds before the completion of the 1 month fasting period.

A few days into the fast, I noticed that even though I am ok during the day, not hungry or tired, as soon as a break my fast, I start feeling tired and cranky. Not just mildly tiredness but really really get somehow lightheaded and feeling nauseous and overall body weakness and a sudden and strong need to lie down and rest and fall asleep. This is the closest I can describe it but sometimes I can't even find the right words to describe how I feel. I did not understand why this could be happening but did not even think it had anything to do with not eating suhoor. I was scared that it could be diabetes or reactive hypoglycemia. I made several searches on the net and everything pointed to blood glucose problems. I started avoiding carbs and anything that has carbs in it. Sometimes I am okay after eating and other times not. I was confused; if it was blood glucose problems I was having, why was I still feeling this way.

It happened that one day, I think because I was busy, I did not eat well at the time of breaking the fast, so I thought its better to eat suhoor so that I would not be weak during the day. I ate bread and fried eggs with the others. When it was time to break the fast, I ate the same dinner with them and then waited for the inevitable cranky feeling.

Then,

Nothing.

I was wondering why my unexplained tiredness did not happen to me that evening, thought maybe it will come later, but was pleasanltly surprised that I felt fine and energetic all evening. I went through how I spent the day in my head, did I rest more?, did I spend more time standing or sitting?, I was looking into even the silliest of things to see what I did different on that day, but could not think of any. Then I remembered! I ate suhoor and I had not done that for many days, so that has to be it. That night, I decided to eat suhoor again, hoping to be fine like the previous day, so I ate a sandwich, I think just jelly sandwich. At sunset, I ate normally and started feeling tired again. At this point, I was confused. I was disappointed. I thought I had diagnosed my ailment but was proven wrong. I called up my friend F. and told her what happened, my hypothesis and how my result did not add up. She was the one who figured out what happened. She said it has to be the eggs. She recalled that she had a friend back in the States who was having difficulty fasting after becoming a muslim. She was advised by a nutritionist to include eggs in her suhoor and when she tried it, she noticed that she could make through the day while fasting without getting hungry or tired. So for the rest of the month I made sure I eat eggs whenever I eat suhoor and I was able to complete the month of ramadaaan without my ridiculous after iftar mystery sickness.

So much for losing weight in ramadaan.
*to be contd.

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The best month is here

The blessed month of Ramadaan,

The best among all months

In which is the best night among all nights;

The night of Qadr

when Allah Ta'ala blessed us with the Best of books;

The Qur'an Kareem;

A guidance for mankind

And clear proofs for the guidance and the criterion

How Great and Merciful is our Lord

For prescribing the fast for us

So that we may become Al-muttaqoon

And the reward is in multiples

"Whoever draws near to Allaah during it (Ramadaan)

with a single characteristic from the characteristics of (voluntary) goodness,

he is like whoever performs an obligatory act in other times.

And whoever performs an obligatory act during it,

he is like whoever performed seventy obligatory acts in other times."

Allah has honored us in Ramadan

by chaining up the devils,

opening the gates of Paradise,

closing the gates of Hell,

and multiplying the reward.

Fasting will intercede for a person

and protect him from Hell,

and admit him to Paradise

through the gate of al-Rayyan.

Allahu Akbar!!!