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Bitter sweet

I wrote about my christian friend few days ago. I have some good news; she was blessed with a healthy baby boy. I am very happy for her, but at the same time, I couldn't help feeling deeply sorry about the whole situation. When she had her third baby 2 years ago, her hubby had to take a week off work so he could travel home to see her and welcome his new baby into the world. Now, she had another baby without him, in her mother's house. I know she is happy and relieved that she at least had a safe delivery, but every thing around her is sure to remind her about her husband. The fact that barely a month ago, he was still with her and now she is all by herself with 4 little kids is such a huge test that I pray she would be able to pass. I also pray Allah protects us from being tested with same.

Really, her situation is a reminder to me and the other sisters around here about the worthlessness of the life of this world. We sometimes sit and chat about polygyny and the possibilities of our husbands marrying other wives, and of course we all hope and pray it never happens to us. I mean in our very narrow minds, it was like the ultimate test of faith. Some of us are so scared of being in polygyny that the moment it is mentioned, our heart beat faster and we get all worked up. But when my friend's husband died when she least expected it, and it even happened right in her before, and her entire life, hopes and dreams were dashed within minutes, I started to have a rethink. Though she was not a muslim so she never factored the possibility of polygyny in her marriage, I believe if she could chose between being in polygyny and suddenly becoming a widow, she would prefer the latter situation.

I have never being in a poly marriage but have heard and read from sisters who have been, that it is indeed the most difficult thing to deal with. A close friend told me it was the worst type pf pain ever. I pray Allah does not test me with the loss of my husband because I'm sure as much as I don't wish to be in a poly marriage, I believe the pain and misery a first wife would experience when her husband remarries would be a peice of cake when compared to what my christian friend, Christiana has been through in the last 30 days.

I pray Allah comfort her and guide her to Islam.

christiana

I live in saudi arabia, a muslim country, but there are some non muslims who come here from their countries to seek a livelihood. One of such is a christian family from my country that moved here from south Africa around 2 years ago. We were the only ones who speak the same language in the town, so naturally, we became friends and call each other regularly and visit sometimes. They are such a nice family with cute little kids who would not want to return to their house each time they come to mine for visit. The ages of the children was 5, 4 and 2. The husband being a very ambitious person decided to pursue higher studies and applied for a phd in the UK. The British consulate is in Jeddah, about 3 hours from where we live. He had to go there to get put in his papers and as they were expecting their 4th baby in a february, the wife decided to accompany him so that she could shop for baby stuff as it is easier and more economical to get it from Jeddah than in the small town we live.

They went and were done with the paperwork at the embassy and the shopping and were on their way back here when they had a tragic accident. For reasons not known to anyone, the car summersaulted and landed on its side. The man and women were thrown out through the window, the kids were locked in the car and could not get out. The cars coming behind stopped to help them and call the police and ambulance service. They got the kids out through the car windows and started giving first aid. This was when it was discovered that the husband was dead. The wife told me she sat next to him on the floor calling on him to get up, begging him not to leave her all alone with the kids, etc. But it was all to no avail. The men who came to rescue them took her away from his side and covered him with their head dresses. Then they were all taken to the nearest hospital in khlais. I have a friend who works in the hospital as a doctor and she was the one who called me after asking her if she knew me when she realized we live in the same town.

This happened exactly 3 weeks ago. It was such a sad and difficult time for the family and those of us that were close to them. The 5 year old had a fractured hand and the 2 year old a leg. They were both in p.o.p. Friends and neighbours were going to her house everyday to console and help out with taking care of the kids and housework because the woman was in pain and could barely walk. Somehow, she was able to get better physically and mentally day by day, She kept repeating to herself that she needs to be strong for the kids and she really was strong, crying only occasionally. The family left Saudi Arabia 5 days ago and the husband's body got home today. I just got off the phone talking to her and was told that the man has been buried according to christian rites. My prayer is that Allah comforts my friend, the kids and all the loved ones the man left behind. Verily, we come from Allah and unto Allah is our return.

Eating his cake and having her's? hmm...

I want to share this article written by a brother. Enjoy!

Bismillaah Ar-Rahmanir-Raheem

My desire for polygyny, bi'idhnillaah.

I ask that Allaah azza wa jall allow my Sisters in this beautiful deen of Islam to read this with open minds and hearts, while seeking the pleasure of Him, subhannahu wa ta ilaah. Ameen.

Firstly, we all know that our guides, Al Quraan was-Sunnah have provided the Muslims with ample opportunities to show Allaah subhannahu wata ilallah devotion and obedience. For me, aside from many other virtuous acts of ibaadah, I have also chosen polygyny, which is beloved act mentioned by Allaah azza wa jall and practiced by our beloved Prophet sallallaahu alaihi wa sallam; the one whom we as Muslims try insha-Allaah so diligently to mold and shape our lives after. May Allaah azza wa jall have mercy on him, his family, and companions..Ameen! I don’t intent to badger or lecture anyone regarding polygyny, but insha-Allaah my intent to help Sisters to understand the reasons why GOOD Muslim men with GOOD intentions choose polygyny, Maasha-Allaah Tabarakallah. Of course you will always have knuckle-heads who abuse this right, but please understand that there are Muslim men out here, like me Maasha-Allaah, who only intends to utilize polygyny for reasons it was intended Insha-Allaah.

Firstly, as previously mentioned, if you study the tafsir of Quraan (via the true scholars of tafsir), one would understand that when Allaah azza wa jall says, “marry two, three, or four…” in Suratal Nisa, He, azza wa jall, is giving instruction to the Muslims, not a suggestion. Allaah azza wa jall says in the same surah, “IF you find you cannot be just,……” This word “IF” signifies exception. The scholars of tafsir, past and present, understand this issues; and it is the scholars whom we should understand and learn our religion. If we understand polygyny as being what is instructed or what’s highly preferred by Allaah azza wa jall, then why do we make efforts to not attach ourselves to it??? This is the first reason why I personally desire to polygyny..because this is the understanding of those who truly understand the Quraan and Sunnah…and Allaah knows best!!

Secondly, Islam emphasizes the importance of being of support to our Sisters during their times of struggle, hardship, lack of companionship, maintenance, or security. It also emphasizes taking care of fatherless children. Today, the increase in the number of sisters who are left to raise children is atrotious. Why and how, if I have the means and am willing to maintain, protect, support, love, and guide this sister and her children, be wrong?? I thought we, the Muslims, are a people of community and high spiritual standards?? Remember, our standards are not of those who associate partners with Allaah, but that our those who truly seek Allaah’s pleasure. This is my second reason..to be there when my Sisters in Islam need support, insha-Allaah.

Thirdly, my desire for polygyny is to increase the Muslim ummah as well as my lineage insha-Allaah. Due to health and other reasons, many sisters cannot have children., Allaah musta’aan! Typically, most married couples don’t discover the issue of not being able to have children until after they are married. Knowing this, how then will a man be able to have children of his own, to increase his lineage unless he is able to practice “lawful” polygyny.

Fourth, I know many may cringe when they read this, but polygyny for many Muslim men provide a halaal channel for increased sexual energy, which will keep them away from sin. Because some women are unable and even unwilling to "keep up" or maintain a mans "drives", some men become impatient, as Allaah azza wa jall mentions in Quraan, "men become impatitient when it comes to their sexual drives". Many women are faced with medical issues that prevent them from routinely satisfying that drive in their husbands. This issue of protection is just as important in many regards as the other reasons for marriage including comfort, security, solace and companionship. “I have not left behind me any fitnah (temptation) more harmful to men than women.” (Bukhaari, 5096; Muslim, 2740). Zinaa, as we all know, in Islam is considered a major sin. If our brothers mention polygyny as being a desire/need, we should understand that for him, he feels the need to remain obedient to his Lord and not fall into the haraam.The purpose of polygyny is not the satisfaction of the animal lusts or going from one woman to another, but it is a necessary solution to keep one safe from grave sin….Allaah musta’aan! Ameen!

There are many reasons why a person with good character chooses polygyny: extended family, increase in faith, companionship, security, pleasure, charity, increase in wisdom and self-worth, increase in quality of life when a wife cannot complete the needs of her husband. Whatever the personal reason,polygyny is about getting families together, enjoining what is good and permissible, and forbidding what is haraam. Most of the time, it is not an issue of over-loading and women serving men, but it is an issue of love and sharing; community. Whether each individual’s choice pleases Allaah or not in both cases (monogamy or polygamy), it is question of people’s true intentions and desire to make things work in total honesty and faith. Successful polygyny depends on the efforts, patience and degree of faith of each party involved. It is not in the etiquettes of a Muslim to criticize either a man who desires it or a woman who accepts it, for it is their choice, given by Allaah azza wa jall. Although, most sisters do not declare out loud that, "Polygyny is haraam", the actions and opinions of many support this statement. When my sisters in Islam demand that the marriage contract include an 'escape clause' if the man seeks polygyny, they are essentially stating that polygyny is haraam or even dirty in some sense.... or minimally that that person is unwilling to uphold that sunnah or to give her husband his rights granted by Allaah azza wa jall, which is still extremely undesireable. May Allaah azza wa jall protect us all. Ameen. The same can be said of many of our Sisters who make it impossible, through personal and financial demands, for a husband to marry another (a right Allaah gave all righteous believing men). Yes, these sisters are not prohibiting polygyny for all, just for their husbands. Instead of helping a sister in need, perhaps they are pushing the Sister or her husband to sin. In all cases of seeking to attach ourselves to the sunnah via halaal means, to prohibit that halaal action is a disgraceful in the sight of Allaah azza wa jall….and Allaah knows best.

Again, I hope this clarifies some issues regarding a man’s perspective….a good Muslim man with good intentions (Maasha-Allaah), insha-Allaah. Please keep in my Sisters…not all Muslim men mistreat their wives. Not all Muslim men are unjust to their mates. Not all Muslim men abandon their women or leave them penny-less. Not all men abuse or badger their wives. Not all Muslim women demand their rights OVER giving rights to their wives. Believe it or not, there are Muslim men who have good intentions, who love what Allaah loves and hate what Allaah hates, Maasha-Allaah. There are Muslim men out here who sincerely want to care for another sisters children..to give them love, support, comfort, discipline, and to be an example to them. There are Muslim men out here who identifies the needs of struggling sisters and sincerely wants to be there for them. There are some Muslim men who prefer to give all ofthemselves before they give to themselves. There are Muslim men out here who want to see our Sisters happy. There are Muslim men out here who wants to provide avenues for a Sister to learn and cultivate her deen. There are Muslim men out here who would never put his hands on his woman. There are Muslim men out here who desires to firmly attach themselves to the Sunnah…and want to support a sister in her efforts to do the same. There are Muslim men out here who want to provide a place of rest and solice for their wives, bi’idhnillaah. May Allaah have mercy on us all. Ameen!

Sisters…I ask you sincerely, bi’idhnillaah to not throw the towel in on our good Muslim brothers. I ask you to support them in their desire to stay away from the haraam. I humbly ask you to want for your sister what you desire and want for yourself, insha-Allaah. I ask you to imagine yourself in another womans shoes… a woman who not only desires to have a good Mulsim man by her side, but NEEDS the support of a good Muslim man. I ask you to sincerely, in the depths of your ability, to ask Allaah azza wa jall to guide you and to give you the patience needed to overcome your fear and your nafs regarding polygyny, insha-Allaah. Lastly, I ask you to make duah for all those who are challenged with polygyny or may be faced with the potential of polygyny…. and to be a sound ear and advisor to them, inshaAllaah. It could be your kind and supportive words and gestures that may help them to get over that hump, insha-Allaah. I ask Allaah to guide us all to the haqq, to make us stronger Muslims and sincere firm acceptors and followers of the Sunnah. Ameen!

Your Brother in islam!!

i

Its 3.00 a.m

And I can't go to sleep. I have a very unusual phobia; I can't stand lizards or anything that looks like it. Around 10.00 p.m, my 4 yr old told me he saw a gecko on the staircase as he was coming upstairs to my bedroom. I quickly told him and his siblings to pass the message across to their dad who was on his PC in the study room downstairs. So they were there for some minutes screaming "Abi!!!!!!!!!!, there is a gecko on the staircase, but there was no response, even though we knew he could hear them very well. They could not go downstairs to tell him and ask why he is not responding because that would scare the gecko away and we would not know which part of the house it went. So after some minutes, they became tired and disappointed and came to tell me their dad has refused to come and kill the pest. I had to tell them to leave it there (if its still there) and go to bed. I for one do not have the courage to kill it, I don't even want to see it dead or alive. In fact, I can't get myself to pack it after its been killed so I have had to beg him to pack it himself whenever he kills one in the house. This is a problem I usually deal with during the summer, when the creepy creatures try to get into the house because of the excessive heat outside. I have sealed all the spaces under the doors that leads outside the house but they still find a way to get in, somehow. Anyways, as I was saying, the man of the house refused to do the job of an exterminator this evening, so I still have the thing wandering around my house and I don't know what to do.

Well, when he came to sleep a little after midnight, I was still up reading something on my laptop. I waited for some minutes to be calm before saying anything. Then I "cleared my throat" and said, dh, we need to talk. He told me to go ahead. I said "I was told by a neighbour that she has a man who comes to help clean her house every other day, so i was thinking of asking him if its okay for the man to come help me clean like once a week so that he can move all the furniture around and see if there is anything hiding under it to kill. The man takes 200 sr and I can just play with the children outside the house while he works" Of course, I was not expecting a yes, I have never had anyone coming to help me with housework since we got married and I had always said I could handle it myself. (I'd write a separate post about the experience some saudis have had with live-in maids). There was along silence that lasted long enough for me to ask if he heard what I said. Then he said yes, he heard and that he would think of something to do about it and that I should not ask my neighbour to tell the man I would need his services. and I asked, what are you going to do about it? His response was, "never mind, I would think of some other alternative since you said you cannot clean the house again". Where and when did I say that I cannot clean the house again??????????

Born muslims and revert muslims

I have heard so many sad tales of how we treat reverts among the muslims. I remember reading a post made by "writeous sister" in her blog a few years back about the kind of attitude people in her community showed her when she just reverted and I just could not believe it. I wanted to leave a link to the said post but I just found out that the blog is protected and you need a password to read it. I have seen threads on "ummah forums" with titles like "would you marry a revert?" or " should reverts marry themselves?" and so on.

I made a post about female circumcision in Islam and some concerned reader(s) decided it is okay to be uncivil towards me just because I dared to say what the respected scholars of Islam said about the issue. The person(s) somehow concluded for reasons I don't even know that I must be a revert which means to her/them I am not in a position to know or say anything about fiqh. I actually laughed out loud when I read that I was a revert, even though I personally don't see muslim reverts being in any way less than born muslims. I have a number of revert friends and some of them are better than many of us born as muslims in their quest for knowledge and pleasing Allah.

Even if you do not agree with a person's POV about a particular issue, at least you can say it in a kind manner, because at the end of the day we are all muslims striving for the akhirah.

Why I would circumcise my daughters

The topic of female circumcission is an issue that has generated a lot of controversy in almost all societies in this generation and is a hot topic among the feminists both men and women. Well, as a muslim, I know it is a procedure that is encouraged to be carried out on female children but there are prescribed ways and limits to what and how it should be done.

Before I had my first baby, I had it in mind to have it done on my baby if I was blessed with a girl, I knew it was not an obligation and that muslim parents can chose to do it or leave it if they don't want it for their daughters. I was careful not to mention it to any of my friends because I was certain they would try to discourage me based on the negative way it has been represented in the media about its dangers and other problems associated with it. I made a little research on my own and found out that the cases that were reported in which the procedure went wrong and led to all the various tragedies which ranged from infection, bleeding to death in the short run or even those that resulted in complications years later when the circumcised girl wants to have her own baby, was caused by the fact that the procedure carried out on them was not female circumcission but genital mutilation and it is totally different because the reason and method is completely different.

Female circumcission had been a practice in the arab world before the time of the prophet (peace be upon him) and when guidance of islam came unto the Arabs, they still continued with the practice. However, there is a report that the Prophet (peace be upon him) told a particular woman whose profession was to circumcise baby girls to make the cut as little as possible and not overdo it because that would put a light on her face and would be pleasing to her husband. Whereas the other procedure which is mutilation is the pharaonic circumcission in which a lot more of the female part is cut and then she is stitched up and just a small opening is left for the monthly period to pass through when the girl reaches puberty.

Eventually, I was blessed with a boy so the issue of finding a place to circumcise a baby girl did not arise as it is not openly done in the government hospitals in saudi Arabia. Well, when my son was exactly 2 weeks old, there was a not too nice occurrence that made me promise myself that I will never circumcise my baby girl if I ever have one...

*to be continued.