RaNdOm thoughts

I have been busy with kids and tahfeez school for weeks so I have not been able to write in my blog. I am done with exams now and the kids started their summer break so I can steal a few minutes here and there to write. I wish the summer can be spent relaxing and having lots of fun and traveling to see our family members, but its not going to be that way. My kids go to the Government schools which uses the Arabic curriculum and arabic as a medium of teaching every subject. We are from an English speaking country so I have to homeschool my children in English language especially during the summer so that they can cope in a regular English speaking school if and when we return home. This would not have been an issue if we were certain we would be here as long as we want, but KSA does not usually grant citizenship to expats no matter how long  ere but their status is like that of any other person born anywhere else. They don't have any special privilege as a result of being born here. If may Allah forbid, we become jobless, we all have to leave. So, teaching them in English using the American curriculum becomes imperative so that we have a back up plan in case of the unexpected. It will be nice staying here forever but there is really no true Hijrah to KSA since You cant determine how long you remain there and everything at the end is in Allah's hands.

 What I wrote in my last post about a man remarrying soon after his wife passes away was in no way meant to criticize the man in question. I can't even imagine what he must be going through. He is all alone now and the kids are still in their country because he cant care for them properly on his own and he has to go to work so they will have to be left alone at home for many hours in a day which is not a good thing. 

  The only thing I personally felt even though it should not be any of my business is that it was a little too soon. But hey I cant even blame my late friends hb since it was her own mum that offered her sister to him in marriage. The mum might have reasoned he would end up marrying some woman one day sooner or later anyways so why not tell him to marry her daughter so that she would not lose him as a son-in-law  and risk her grandkids being maltreated by a total stranger that he is likely to marry. I guess the way women think is completely different from the way men think. Thankful slave mentioned that it usually happens the other way round as well. Yes. I have seen it before even in my own culture. In fact this is more common than the husband marrying his late wife's sister and it is seen as acceptable. But I notice a woman usually feels reluctant to remarry after her husband dies and if they do, it takes a longer time before they can really make themselves do it. The sister Thankful slave mentioned that married her B-I-L after her hb passed away most likely did not marry him the day after her iddah ended right? even though that would have been halal.One of our friends was not at all surprised when she heard our late friends hb was remarrying. She said she had a neighbour back home who married his late wife's sister a week after she passed away. Meanwhile a friend of mine whom I wrote about on this same blog who lost her husband january last year still puts me off each time I pray for her that she would be blessed by another husband who will help her to raise her young kids. She tells me she does not need a husband; she needs to give her all to her kids. Of course I think she may eventually change her mind one day and decide to remarry, but hmmmm...what I have concluded in my little mind is..................................................................

Men, no matter what they think or how macho they think they are and see themselves as being superior to woman, Despite the fact that  many do not respect women or even realize how important women are, are more in need of women than they will ever be able to accept and affirm, women also need men but men need women more than women need men. I have heard many women say they will not remarry if their husband dies before them whereas men are in fact fantasizing having another woman or other women even when their wife is beside them. I know most people will not agree with this but these are my RaNdOm thoughts for today.

 

Mixed feelings.

I heard some news today that I did not expect and had mixed feelings about it. I was talking to a sister today lets call her R, and she asked me if its true that one of my neighbours is a second wife to which I affirmed. She said she heard that the first wife was here with the husband and was sent back to their country when he married the second wife and wanted to bring her over to Saudi. I was aware of the story as the first wife was my friend when she was here. So the sister was kind of shocked and asking me how the first wife took it and  is she ok with being sent away, (not divorced) and being replaced by a much younger woman, etc. I told the sister that as far as I know, the first wife is ok with the second marriage because polygyny is common where she came from although she did not want to go back home at that time but she did not really have a choice as it was the husband's decision to have her go back home so he could bring the new wife over. He travels to their country during the summer to see her and he sends money to her regularly. Anyways, this led to me asking how polygyny is seen in the country R came from and she said it is not common as most men marry just 1 wife. So I asked what if the wife dies would the husband remarry? she said yes of course, but while she is alive, he remains married to her only and this is their culture. Coincidentally, R and My friend who passed away recently are from the same country, so I couldn't help asking what is the average duration of time a man who lost his wife is normally expected to wait before he remarries (in their culture) and I gave Tahera's husband as an example.Then I got the bombshell; He will remarry in a month to Tahera's sister. He already spoke to her mum and they are in agreement with the proposal. So why did I have mixed feelings? I was happy on one hand that at least he would have someone to take care of the kids and a companion for himself to help lessen the grief of the sudden loss of his wife. On the other hand, I could not help wondering if my hubby would be trying to marry my sister 2 months after I pass away. Not that I have a sister that is not married but if I had, would he want to do that as well? I don't mean its a bad thing to do because at least marrying the sister of your late wife would be better for the kids than marrying a total stranger who did not know their mum and who is likely to maltreat them except she has the fear of Allah in her. But hey, most people don't walk around thinking if they die their spouse will marry their sister (or brother if its the husband that died).
So there I have another reason to be reminded about the nothingness of the life of this world and to strive to put forward as many good deeds as possible for my akhira. And I write this as a reminder for all of us.
If you die today, someone is is going to live in your house, someone else is going to wear your cloths, someone else is going to drive your car, someone else is going to marry your husband or your wife and it goes on and on. I am not writing this to put blame on Tahera's husband, he probably took this decision in the best interest of his kids. If he does not remarry, he can't take care of the kids alone because he has to go to work, The only other option would be sending the kids back home to be raised by family members which would not be fair to the kids to not live with their dad after losing their mum. May Allah give him and is new wife to be the best and may Allah help them both in raising the kids and giving them their best. aamin.

Still losing on the fast 5 diet

Its been another month on the fast 5 diet and I managed to lose another 6 pounds. I started on the 24th of january @ 193.5lb. I now weigh 181.2lb, maa sha Allah. This makes a total of 12lb in 2 months; not a lot, but I intend to stick to it until I reach my goal weight one day insha Allah. I was off the diet for some days during the month when I was down with tonsilitis and had to take antibiotics for 7 days. I have not been having my daily walks for some time as well because of the wind and sandstorm we've had here for some time. So, I think I would have lost a little more if not for these constraints. I hope to reach my goal weight of 150lb by the month of Ramadaan insha Allah. 

My kids are on their mid semester break and we had some guests from another town visiting for 5 days. It was so much fun to have an adult female  company in the same house for 5 days. We cooked and cleaned together and went places together. When it was time for bthem to leave, they were so reluctant to pack and we also wished they could stay around for a few more days. We were all thankful for the opportunity and look forward to having more of it insha Allah.

I am generally taking life easy and not putting pressure on myself, my hb or the kids about anything dunya as much as possible. No more dwelling on what  I need or want or what I dont have or wish others to do for/to me or not. I thought I was traumatised enough about Tahera's death until my friend who came here for a visit told me about a sister I know back home, a married mother of 2 who was run down by a car and ended up with spinal chord injury. She is now confined to a wheelchair and lost the ability to control her bladder and bowels. She cannot feel anything from the armpit down to her feet and needs to be taken care of by others 24/7. Needs to be cleaned and given a shower and had to beg some family members to take her little kids in because she can't take care of them herself. Her brother who is a doctor rented an apartmet for her and got her a maid who he pays for and he is the one who pays for most of her expenses   including adult diapers which are quite expensive over there. I mean this sister does not know she has defecated until she perceives the smell and then she calls someone to come help clean and change her just like a baby. The sister who told me is a doctor and she said the loss of continence due to spinal injury is an irreversible thing so she would remain like that for the rest of her life. I don't think she is even thirty years old yet! Everyone tries as much as possible to avoid spending time with her including her husband and her mum. They go to visit her but could not make themselves to as much as pass the night with her. She has cried so much at her misfortune until her tears dried up and could no longer cry. And I thought I had issues, subhanAllah. I now realize there are some situations which are more difficult to handle than death and if not for Islam she would probably have taken her life by now. I was a complete mess by the time I finished listening to the sister and even wished she had not told me. I pray Allah strengthens the sister's heart and protect her from saying things or asking questions that may count as blasphemy because it would be difficult not to wonder "why me" in her situation. I pray Allah gives her loads of sabr in her affliction and reward each and every pain and discomfort she is having, whether physical or emotional with the ultimate reward; Jannah.

I just lost a friend

I was down with a really bad sore throat this afternoon. I took some lemon and honey tea to alleviate it but it did not get better. I later started shivering and then my head started hurting. I was a little scared. I decided to go to my favourite home remedy site, earth clinic and found out that the most popular remedy for sore throat is cayene pepper. I tried gargling a little  but it was just too hot for me to keep it in my mouth for long. I decided to take a nap hoping to get better by maghrib. I was cold so I covered myself all up with a woolen blanket and told my eldest child to make sure no one disturbs me. As I was trying to sleep, I started thinking about death. I thought what if I sleep and do not wake up? My mind was occupied with all sorts of thought; how would the kids cope without me? how would the hb take care of them without me? how would he break the news to my family? Most importantly, I thought of what will become of me if I die. Am I serving my creator as I should? what is the assurance that my past sins have been forgiven? All these and other such thought were going on in my head. I finally drifted to sleep and was feeling a bit better when I woke up. I managed to pray salaatul magrib and waited for isha which I had to pray sitting. I made a cup of hot lemon  tea with honey and cayenne pepper and got back into bed trying to sleep again.
  Then the phone rang, it was my friend F, she asked why I sounded funny and I told her in my barely audible voice that I was sick. She said ok then, she would let me rest and we talk tommorrow. 15 minutes later, she called back, saying something happened and she felt she needed to tell me, now!. I knew it had to be important for her to call back after saying goodnight.  She said I should try to be firm about what she was about to tell me. Her hb just informed her that one of our pakistani friends died in an accident this evening on their way home from Makkah. The sister attends the same tahfeez school I go and I still saw her on tuesday. I was too shocked to talk. I mean I was just thinking of death few hours ago and now I was told my friend is dead. She wanted me to confirm from a friend who is a doctor in the hospital her hb and children were taken to. I made the call with shaky hands and the sister confirmed that it is indeed true. Her body had been taken to makkah while the husband and three kids were taken to khlais hospital for treatment. I really hope the kids are ok insha Allah. F and I decided to wait till tomorrow before calling the tafeez teacher as it is a liitle late now for such news. Inna lillah wa inna ilaihi raajohoon. May Allah forgive Tahera and accept her as one of the faithfuls and grant her Jannah. May Allah comfort her husband and children in this trying time, aamin. May Allah help us all to become better muslims and not test us with what is more than we can bear, aamin.

christiana

I live in saudi arabia, a muslim country, but there are some non muslims who come here from their countries to seek a livelihood. One of such is a christian family from my country that moved here from south Africa around 2 years ago. We were the only ones who speak the same language in the town, so naturally, we became friends and call each other regularly and visit sometimes. They are such a nice family with cute little kids who would not want to return to their house each time they come to mine for visit. The ages of the children was 5, 4 and 2. The husband being a very ambitious person decided to pursue higher studies and applied for a phd in the UK. The British consulate is in Jeddah, about 3 hours from where we live. He had to go there to get put in his papers and as they were expecting their 4th baby in a february, the wife decided to accompany him so that she could shop for baby stuff as it is easier and more economical to get it from Jeddah than in the small town we live.

They went and were done with the paperwork at the embassy and the shopping and were on their way back here when they had a tragic accident. For reasons not known to anyone, the car summersaulted and landed on its side. The man and women were thrown out through the window, the kids were locked in the car and could not get out. The cars coming behind stopped to help them and call the police and ambulance service. They got the kids out through the car windows and started giving first aid. This was when it was discovered that the husband was dead. The wife told me she sat next to him on the floor calling on him to get up, begging him not to leave her all alone with the kids, etc. But it was all to no avail. The men who came to rescue them took her away from his side and covered him with their head dresses. Then they were all taken to the nearest hospital in khlais. I have a friend who works in the hospital as a doctor and she was the one who called me after asking her if she knew me when she realized we live in the same town.

This happened exactly 3 weeks ago. It was such a sad and difficult time for the family and those of us that were close to them. The 5 year old had a fractured hand and the 2 year old a leg. They were both in p.o.p. Friends and neighbours were going to her house everyday to console and help out with taking care of the kids and housework because the woman was in pain and could barely walk. Somehow, she was able to get better physically and mentally day by day, She kept repeating to herself that she needs to be strong for the kids and she really was strong, crying only occasionally. The family left Saudi Arabia 5 days ago and the husband's body got home today. I just got off the phone talking to her and was told that the man has been buried according to christian rites. My prayer is that Allah comforts my friend, the kids and all the loved ones the man left behind. Verily, we come from Allah and unto Allah is our return.

oh oh!

Ok, I've been away from this blog for months. I guess I'm about the only blogger who reads other people's blog but does not even have time to write in hers. I've been a tad too busy with schooling and taking care of my family. A lot have happened since the last time I posted here.

The most touching of which is the sad news I heard about a friend who used to live in my old neighbourhood. She was a quiet, beautiful sister , a mum of 3 cute girls and a very good wife and mum, maa sha Allah. 2 years ago, she moved to another country with her family and we sort of lost contact. So recently, I heard she is sick and is now home in our country, without her kids. The nature of her sickness is very disturbing; a mental illness! Now why would a beautiful healthy woman suddenly develop such? Her hubby got another wife! yes, you read that right. As I heard, she started getting into a state of depression when she was informed about the incoming wife, I don't know what her reaction was when she heard it at first, but for whatever reason, her hubby stopped eating her food(and I know that this man is a good husband so its not like he just stopped eating what she cooked there must be a reason Allahu aalim), and naturally this added to her depression. So one day, she took her kids to the beach (ok so who allows a depressed woman to go to a beach alone with her kids ?) and tried to drown herself and the kids!. Laa hawla walaa kuwwata illa billah. Alhamdulillah there were people around who rushed to rescue them, so, she and her kids are still very much alive, but, this suicide/murder attempt was the reason her hubby sent her back home to her parents to go and take care of herself and come back when she is sane!. Ok, so I cried so much when I heard that the sister who told me wished she did not mention it to me at all. I wept even more when I got off the phone and the rest of my day was messed up. I remembered again when it was time to sleep and could not help crying myself to sleep.

I know that anyone who hears or reads this story would either blame the sister for being sooo weak in her eeman that she could not accept some halal act that her husband did, blah blah, OR, blame the husband for being so wicked and heartless as to hurt his wife, the mother of his kids so badly to the point of being demented, blah blah. So my reaction was sort of both. I was so sad and traumatized that I started to wonder about the meaning of the sentence "Allah does not test us with more than we can bear". I've heard people say if Allah is giving us a test, that means we can bear it, but how do we explain situations like this? how do we explain the very sad case of mira morton a practicing muslimah who killed her husband when he married a second wife. I mean how do we explain the situaion of sisters who stopped covering or those who even stopped praying when they were tested with polygyny in their marriage. Really, I'm confused. Is it that these sisters had the ability to be patient with what Allah gave them, but were just too weak in their eeman that they would not even try? I really don't know, but again I pray as I always do that Allah, the exalted Lord does not test me with that which I cannot bear, aamin.

She'd be alright

I am stressed right now about someone who is not only a sister to me but a close friend. She called me yesterday morning to inform me that she has been scheduled to have a ceaseran section at 4.oo p.m. She was 30 weeks gone. I have firm hope she would be alright by the rahmah of Allah. Her phone has been switched off since the last time she called. I expect her call any moment and am sooo nervous, but, I know she is going to be fine, and her baby would live, insha Allah. Ya Allah, let me hear good news from her very soon, let us be able to give thanks to you about her and her baby today. Aaaaaaamin.