RaNdOm thoughts

I have been busy with kids and tahfeez school for weeks so I have not been able to write in my blog. I am done with exams now and the kids started their summer break so I can steal a few minutes here and there to write. I wish the summer can be spent relaxing and having lots of fun and traveling to see our family members, but its not going to be that way. My kids go to the Government schools which uses the Arabic curriculum and arabic as a medium of teaching every subject. We are from an English speaking country so I have to homeschool my children in English language especially during the summer so that they can cope in a regular English speaking school if and when we return home. This would not have been an issue if we were certain we would be here as long as we want, but KSA does not usually grant citizenship to expats no matter how long  ere but their status is like that of any other person born anywhere else. They don't have any special privilege as a result of being born here. If may Allah forbid, we become jobless, we all have to leave. So, teaching them in English using the American curriculum becomes imperative so that we have a back up plan in case of the unexpected. It will be nice staying here forever but there is really no true Hijrah to KSA since You cant determine how long you remain there and everything at the end is in Allah's hands.

 What I wrote in my last post about a man remarrying soon after his wife passes away was in no way meant to criticize the man in question. I can't even imagine what he must be going through. He is all alone now and the kids are still in their country because he cant care for them properly on his own and he has to go to work so they will have to be left alone at home for many hours in a day which is not a good thing. 

  The only thing I personally felt even though it should not be any of my business is that it was a little too soon. But hey I cant even blame my late friends hb since it was her own mum that offered her sister to him in marriage. The mum might have reasoned he would end up marrying some woman one day sooner or later anyways so why not tell him to marry her daughter so that she would not lose him as a son-in-law  and risk her grandkids being maltreated by a total stranger that he is likely to marry. I guess the way women think is completely different from the way men think. Thankful slave mentioned that it usually happens the other way round as well. Yes. I have seen it before even in my own culture. In fact this is more common than the husband marrying his late wife's sister and it is seen as acceptable. But I notice a woman usually feels reluctant to remarry after her husband dies and if they do, it takes a longer time before they can really make themselves do it. The sister Thankful slave mentioned that married her B-I-L after her hb passed away most likely did not marry him the day after her iddah ended right? even though that would have been halal.One of our friends was not at all surprised when she heard our late friends hb was remarrying. She said she had a neighbour back home who married his late wife's sister a week after she passed away. Meanwhile a friend of mine whom I wrote about on this same blog who lost her husband january last year still puts me off each time I pray for her that she would be blessed by another husband who will help her to raise her young kids. She tells me she does not need a husband; she needs to give her all to her kids. Of course I think she may eventually change her mind one day and decide to remarry, but hmmmm...what I have concluded in my little mind is..................................................................

Men, no matter what they think or how macho they think they are and see themselves as being superior to woman, Despite the fact that  many do not respect women or even realize how important women are, are more in need of women than they will ever be able to accept and affirm, women also need men but men need women more than women need men. I have heard many women say they will not remarry if their husband dies before them whereas men are in fact fantasizing having another woman or other women even when their wife is beside them. I know most people will not agree with this but these are my RaNdOm thoughts for today.

 

Ola, my love.

Today is 13th dhul-hijjah in the hijri calendar. And it is a day my son has waited to come for weeks. He has asked me like countless times what day it was and how many days left before it would be 13th dhul-hijjah. This is because he knew on this day, he would be a whopping 6 year old and he thought that would make him a really big boy and he would be able to tell his friends that he is no longer 5, 5 and a half but 6, maa sha Allah.  The day however, holds very deeper memories for me and always have me holding back the tears, tears of joy and thankfulness each and every time I remember that day...                                                            I was pregnant with my second child, and we just had our eid party 2 days before. I had my first baby exactly 1week before my EDD and was already getting impatient when the second one was still chilling out in my womb a day before the EDD and I was all big and swollen. So when I woke up on the 12th dhul-hihhah of that year, with labour pains, I was really excited I was going to see the lil man in a few hours at last. This is because my first baby was born after about 8 hours of labour. So, with my previous experience, I knew it may take a few hours after the onset of labour before the baby would be born and did not want to be at the hospital for too long, I decided to spend some time cleaning my house and even took a walk before asking my Hb to take me to the hospital. We got there around noon and the pain was not yet bad at that time. I was checked by a doctor who said I should go back home because I was just 2 cm dilated and there was no point putting me on admission. I was reluctant to go back home because the hospital we chose was a 30 minute drive from where we lived then but I had to go. I spend the next few hours walking and taking a break when the contractions start, hoping this will help shorten he length of the labour. Around 10 in the evening, I felt the contractions were lasting longer and were fewer apart and I was getting weak because I could not make myself eat or drink anything, so I told The man to take mt back to the hospital. He did not think it was time yet and said we should wait a while longer because he did not want to have to take me back home a second time. Well, I insisted I had to go because I was really in pain and when he saw how serious I was, he picked up my 2 yr old and off we went to the hospital. By the time e got there, I could barely walk and I was so sure I would soon have my baby, but I was so wrong. I got checked again and was told I was still 2cm dilated and I have to go back home. I refused. I told the doctor I had a baby before and there has to be an explanation for this pain I was having and why would I not dilate more for many hours despite having close contraction that were painful. So, the doctor called on another doctor who is more experienced thnt her who examined me and found out there was a problem. I was quickly sent upstairs to the delivery room and it was on the way there that I heard a nurse telling another that I had abruptio placenta. They probably assumed I would not know what it meant. Thankfully, I am one who reads a lot and had read almost every book around about prregnancies and the complications that could occur before or during confinement that I was really scared when I heard that from the nurse. I started crying. The thought of losing my son after 9 months of difficulty; nausea, throwing up, heartburns to mention a few was just unbearable. I was making all the dua I know, beggeing Allah to save my baby. I was strapped to the fetal heart monitor and was given the oxygen mask and a nurse was left with me to monitor the baby and to call on the doctor in case she notice the baby was in distress so that I could be taken to the theatre for CS and all the while I was just weeping and praying and the fear of losing my baby masked all the pain such that I could not even remember labour pain any more. All I could think of was having a life, healthy baby. I was there for some hours and the labour did not progress until the doctor decided to break the water sac at around 3.00a.m. All that while, I could not even get in touch with my Hb who was sent home around midnight and was made to take my phone because I was not supposed to have any phone, money, jewelry or any other valuable with me...                                                                                                                           I eventually had the baby at 7.15 a.m, 26 hours after the onset of labour and I was so happy to hear his screams and found out he was perfectly ok, maa sha Allah tabaarakAllah and when I held him, I was filled with awe. The thought that just a small mistake could have made all the difference and the story would have had another end? Suppose I had agreed to return home when the young doctor checked me the second time, would I have had this cute 6 year old first grader today? I have a cold shiver just thinking of all the mums that have lost their babies because of a simple slip by the doctor, the nurse or even the mother herself. I really really thank my Lord for turning my tears into laughter and for blessing me with even more healthy loving kids after my dear sweet Ola was born six years ago. This is Ola's birth story. I would make out time to write the others' some day, as they all enjoy listening to their birth stories.

SECRET CODE; MY REASON

I made a post about not expecting any good from a husband to avoid/minimize being hurt. I know that some men would read that statement and think its BS, and maybe some women who are blessed with good husbands would wonder why anyone would even say this, but here is what led to that line of thought...

Madam A was happily married for 40 years.

The marriage was blessed with 6 kids, all grown and married.

Madam A's husband decided to marry young girl, the age of his last child.

Madam A was not happy about it because she did not expect it to happen at that time since they were both in their sixties and did not have any problems, but she is a Muslim and she knows its his right so she accepted it and life went on.

Madam A's husband and the second wife were living in another town not very far from madam A, but she still gets to see her husband every now and then.

One day (after 5 years) Madam A's husband shows up at madam A's house with his little kids he had with the second wife and announced to madam A that he had divorced the second wife and that she (madam A) would have to help him raise the kids.

Again, madam A was not happy to raise another woman's kids especially at that stage of her life when she just wanted to relax and enjoy her retirement, visiting her kids and grand-kids when she wants, but she accepted nonetheless, not wanting to disobey her husband.

And, guess what? I mean guess what?! Few weeks later, she found out that her husband did not divorce his second wife and that they were still living together in the same house as husband and wife, only without their little kids who were brought for her to raise under the guise of their mum being divorced. Now isn't that just so convenient? gotta love these husbands...

Well, madam A and her kids had had enough! they figured out their dad did that because it was his house, so he felt he had a right to leave his kids there and he can have a peaceful life with his second wife without being disturbed by the lil ones. So one of madam A's sons moved his mum into his house to live with him, so that their good dad could have his dear little house all to himself and he can move whoever he wants into it...

...of wishes and horses and beggars...

81 ways on how to treat your wife in Islam!

The wife’s rights (with regard to their husbands) are equal to the (husband’s) rights with regard to them, although men are a degree above them; and Allah is Almighty, Wise. [Quran 2:28]

“Consort with them graciously. If you dislike them, it may be that you dislike something in which Allah has placed much good. (4:20)“

In today’s life of hustle and bustle, the family unit is becoming fragile by the day. Divorces are on the rise, and Muslims can no longer claim, as justifiably as before, that divorce is rare among Muslims or even much less than incidents of divorce among non-Muslims.

Let’s take on the men, here’s how you can keep up your wife’s love:

1. Make her feel secure, don’t threaten her with divorce.
2. Give sincere Salaams.
3. Treat her gently, like a fragile vessel.
4. Advise in private, at the best time, in the best way and atmosphere.
5. Be generous with her.
6. Warm the seat for her, you will warm her heart.
7. Avoid anger, be in Wudhu at all times.
8. Look good and smell great for your wife.
9. Don’t be rigid or harsh-hearted or you will be broken.
10. Be a good listener.
11. Yes for flattery. No for arguing.
12. Call your wife with the best names, cute nicknames, names she loves to hear.
13. A pleasant surprise.
14. Preserve and guard the tongue.
15. Expect, accept, and overlook her shortcomings.
16. Give sincere compliments.
17. Encourage her to keep good relations with her family.
18. Speak of the topic of her interest.
19. Express to her relatives, how wonderful she is.
20. Give each other gifts.
21. Get rid of routine, surprise her.
22. Have a good opinion of each other.
23. Have good manners, overlook small things, don’t nitpick.
24. Add a drop of patience, increase during pregnancy, menses.
25. Expect and respect her jealously.
26. If you have more than one wife, be just and equal
27. Sacrifice your happiness for hers.
28. Help at home, with housework.
29. Help her love your relatives, but don’t try to force her.
30. Let her know that she is the ideal wife for you.
31. Remember your wife in Du’a.
32. Leave the past for Allah, don’t dwell on, dig into, or bring it up.
33. Don’t act as if you are doing her a favor by working or providing, Allah is the Provider, the husband is the carrier of the sustenance to the family.
34. Take Shaitan as your enemy, not your wife.
35. Put food in your wife’s mouth.
36. Treat your wife like she is the most precious pearl that you want to protect.
37. Show her your smile.
38. Don’t ignore the small things, deal with them before they be come big.
39. Avoid being harsh-hearted.
40. Respect and show that you appreciate her thinking.
41. Help her to find and build her inner strengths and skills.
42. Respect that she might not be in mood for intimacy, stay within Halaal boundaries.
43. Help her take care of the children.
44. Give her gifts with your tongue, be an artist with your compliments.
45. Sit down and eat meals together.
46. Let her know that you will be traveling or returning from travel, give her sufficient notice.
47. Don’t leave home in anger.
48. Maintain the secrecy and privacy of the home.
49. Encourage each other in worship.
50. Respect and fulfill her rights upon you.
51. Live with her in kindness, goodness, fairness in good and bad times.
52. Kiss your wife, foreplay, don’t jump on her like a bull.
53. Keep disputes between the two of you, don’t take it outside.
54. Show care for her health and well-being.
55. Remember you are not always right or perfect yourself.
56. Share your happiness and sadness with her.
57. Have mercy for her weaknesses.
58. Be a firm support for her to lean on.
59. Accept her as is, she is a package deal.
60. Have a good intention for her.
61. Cook a dish for her.
62. Designate a nice, clean, spacious area in your home for the two of you to pray at night whenever you can.
63. Women love flowers. Make a trail of them on the floor leading to the gift you made for her.
64. Give her a nice massage when she least expects it.
65. Send your wife a text message out of the blue with a message of love.
66. Send your wife an email without a reason.
67. Go out on a date or a get-away for the weekend in a nice location, preferably without kids.
68. Do something for your wife’s family, whether it is a gift, or a chat with her teen brother who needs mentoring, or whatever. It will get you lots of brownie points.
69. Do not keep reminding and demanding your rights all the time.
70. Shop groceries for her and call her from the store and ask her what she needs for the home, for herself or for her to give to people as gifts.
71. Ask her if she would like to invite her female friends over for ladies only get together and arrange for the dinner.
72. Ask her to send gifts to her parents and siblings.
73. Help her parents pay off debt. Send her poor relatives some money.
74. Write love notes or poems and place them in the book she’s been reading.
75. If she tells you something she had just learned from the Qur’an or Hadith, do not dismiss her or ridicule her effort, instead listen to her and take her word.
76. Plant her a kitchen garden with all kind of herbs she needs for cooking.
78. Update her PC or laptop with a new one or get her a new mobile phone.
79. Learn to do a special massage technique and surprise her with your new expertise.
80. Teach your children to respect and honor their mother.
81. Be humorous with her when she makes a mistake in the kitchen (like when she put too much salt or burnt her baking).

"OH ALLAH , Make useful for me what You taught me and teach me knowledge that will be useful to me" amen

by Fawad J Kiyani

Ok, I saw this nice write up and it made me laugh because most muslim men would not even bother to do half of the things on this list. I wish I can say this is how most muslim men treat their wives, but then, if wishes were horses, beggars would ride...